When we found out I was carrying twins, my first thought was, "We need a minivan." My second thought was "How am I going to split up my heart to love all three of my children equally?" When you have one child, all of your love is meant for that one child. My husband goes to work everyday and I'm a stay at home mom so my days were filled with quality alone time with my daughter. It was just me and her throughout the day and I loved it. We had our morning routine, our afternoon routine, and once my husband came home, a night routine for the three of us. So when we found out there would not only be one baby breaking up the routine, but two, I was a little more than nervous about it.
How was my daughter going to react when it wasn't just her and me anymore? Having twins would take up a lot more of my time than if it was just one. How was I going to manage it? How was I going to love these two new babies as much as I love my daughter? Would I be able to still have quality alone time with my daughter and quality alone time with the two other babies?
I was scared. Scared until our twins came home from the NICU. Our beautiful, sweet, and caring toddler was all about the babies. She was and is like a little mommy. She's nurturing and loving towards them. It's an amazing thing to see. I think about some stories I've heard about older siblings reacting badly towards the new baby and we've definitely lucked out with not having to worry about that. She is the Big Sister and loving every second of it.
Funny thing is that my heart did get split up equally for all three of my children. I don't know how, but it did. All the worrying should've been geared towards another concern. A concern that I had no clue about until our twins were home with us. "Am I spending enough time with our twins?"
Yes, I spend everyday, all day with our twins, but our bonding time is somewhat limited. They share my attention with not only each other, but with a three year old who still remembers what it was like before they got here. A time when she had all of my attention. It's so difficult to just sit and hold my twins individually for a period of time before I have to pay attention to the other one or my toddler. I used to hold my toddler for hours. Just staring at her, caressing her face, memorizing every little fold in her chubby little arms and legs. Studying the curve of her mouth and just breathing her sweet baby scent in. I'm lucky if I get five minutes to do that with my twins. My three year old is a three year old. She wants to play all the time and wants all the attention on her. It's hard when I tell her I can't play because I have to not only take the time to feed one baby, but two. Then it's time to change, not one diaper, but two. Then it's time to calm down, not one baby, but two. Put, not one baby down for a nap, but two. Check in on, not one baby, but two. And so on, and so on, and so on. What might take a half hour with a singleton is now taking an hour or more with twins. That is my biggest concern now. How does this affect my toddler? The constant, "No, I'm sorry. I can't right now I have to ___ with the babies."
Luckily, my three year old is patient (as patient as a three year old can be). She will wait for me to be done with the babies, for now, but will her patience run thin? I just feel guilty sometimes. Guilty for always having to say to my toddler, "One more second." and "I'll be right there after I ____ with the babies." Guilty for not being able to hold my twins for hours like I did when my toddler was their age. Guilty for feeling guilty. I'm sure most moms go through this, especially moms of twins after a singleton. I guess we just have to keep reminding ourselves that we are doing the best we can with what we were given - one body, two arms, two hands, and only twenty-four hours in the day.
