A Look Back: 8/14 - 8/20

Friday, 8/14:

• Took Lily to get her cavity filled. Turns out she had two cavities, not one. 
• Lily had nitrous so she would be relaxed during the procedure. It worked. She sat perfectly for everything.

Sunday, 8/16:

• My blow dryer was on it's way out so I needed to pick up a new one. I decided to go to Target, alone! Even though I specifically went for the blow dryer, I decided to pick up the rest of Lily's school supplies. I shopped around, checked out, got in my van, drove away, and remembered one very important thing...

I NEVER BOUGHT THE BLOW DRYER!! Ugh.

Tuesday, 8/18:

• Went to a Mcdonald's, with the playground inside, for dinner so Lily could run around before bedtime. While there, two things occurred:

1. There was a family of six with one more on the way. Ages ranging from about three to about twelve. Lily was playing with the two youngest one's. The oldest, a girl of about twelve was wearing a tank top. I really wanted to go up to her parents and tell them to stop on the way home and buy that girl a training bra. Seriously! She needed one, bad. There are a lot of pervs out in the world, and this girl should not be walking around with her little girl boobies hanging out for all of them to see. Unfortunately, as my mom always says, "It's not mine."
2. While Lily was off playing, another little girl came up to Killian and Piper who were in their stroller. A nice, quiet girl with very long black hair in pigtails. I asked how old she was. She just looked at me. I asked, "Are you seven?" She gave me a look and said, "No." I asked, "Are you six? Eight?" She looked at me and said, "I'm four." Four? Really? This girl was super tall! Too tall to be only one year older than Lily. But, she was four. Anyway, she was making Piper laugh by putting her nose to Piper's hand and face. I wanted to tell the little pre-schooler not to touch Piper's face, but I felt weird about it. I have no problem telling an adult, but this innocent little girl made me feel like it was wrong to say something. Many times, the parents will say something to their kids, but her parents just ignored the fact she was even at our table. Maybe they didn't speak english? All the while, all I can think about is if this girl had her immunizations. Is she sick? Is anyone in her family sick? It was a little stressful. Next time I will definitely be as polite as I can be and just say, "Please don't touch the baby." 

• Lily tries to play catch with piper...

Wednesday, 8/19:

Lily: "What's your favorite animal, Mommy?"

Me: "I like giraffes. What's your favorite animal?"

Lily: "I like Piper and Killian." 

• Been watching Scooby Doo! Mystery Incorporated with Lily. It's on Netflix if interested...and you should be. This show rocks! Seriously. It was on for two seasons from 2010 to 2013. Even though they don't have the original theme song to Scooby Doo! Where Are You? I still sing it for Lily. She loves it. Here is her version of the song...

A Look Back 8/7 - 8/13

Friday, 8/7:

• Went out to Greenport with my mom and the kiddies. My mom had some left over carousel tickets from July 4th. Lily and I rode the horsies three times. 

Sunday, 8/9:

• Went to Eisenhower Park. Dropped Dan and the kids off to play at the playground area and I went to do a photo shoot. I had a great model who wanted Rockabilly style photos. I got some amazing shots. They are posted on my photography facebook page if you're interested in viewing. Then spread the word. Thanks.
• Piper crawled for the first time!

Tuesday, 8/11:

• Had a consultation for a different pediatrician. Thanks to the recommendations of 4 different people we know, Lily, Killian, and Piper will now be going to Dr. Zaso in East Meadow. I liked what he had to say and he didn't judge me for having big babies. He just said that all babies grow at different rates and as long as they are within the parameters of what's healthy, everything is fine. This comment was unlike their now former pediatrician, who just told me I was overfeeding Killian and Piper and then leaving it at that with no suggestions on how to handle their weight. Oh, and when I told her what I was feeding them throughout the day, she didn't believe me. So disappointed since I've known that pediatrician since I was 12 years old. Oh well. Time for a change! 

Thursday, 8/13:

• Killian and Piper turned ten months old. They both are crawling. Killian pulls himself up to stand. Piper babbles up a storm. They both are picking up and eating finger snacks. Piper has eight teeth (four on top, four on bottom), Killian has six (four on top, two on bottom). Piper claps her hands whenever she gets excited or happy about something. And they both L-O-V-E their big sister, Lily.
• Had an eye exam. My eyes are a little worse than two years ago. Couldn't find frames I liked in that office so I told a couple of different ladies that worked there that I would shop around elsewhere for frames and bring them back to get fitted for the lenses. One woman was trying to tell me that I couldn't do that because the insurance was submitted for their office only. I explained to her that her office will do the lenses for prescription purposes, but I can and will get frames anywhere I want and my insurance will cover it. I told her I had done it in the past like that also. I think they might get commission on frames or something because another woman was trying to tell me that she will look in their basement for a style that I might like and call me when she has a few pairs to show. She said not to not go somewhere else since she probably can find something I will like. Then, a third woman was trying to convince me that every pair of frames looked good on me and I should just pick something. I told her I'm picky with what I put on my face because glasses are one of the first things people will notice about me. I have to really like what I will be wearing every single day for the next two years when my insurance says I can get new ones. Ugh. I hate people sometimes. 
• My mom and sister, Jackie, were over and we were sitting at my dining room table. Lily came over and sat on a chair...

Lily: "Mommy! One Beebo (points to my mom), two beebos (points to Jackie).

Me and my mom: Bahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! Sorry Jac. 

A Look Back 7/31 - 8/6

Friday, 7/31:

• I ran out of my Tassimo chai tea latte and ordered more the other day. Now I'm waiting for it to come and was hoping it would get here by the time I was done with breakfast...

Me: "Hey, Lily? Can you please check to see if my tea came yet?"

Lily: Looking out the front door - "Your tea not here yet."

Me: Disappointed - "It's not?"

Lily: "Have patience, Mommy." 

• Was putting Killian and Piper down for their morning nap. Put Killian in his crib first then brought Piper into the room and was changing her diaper. When I was done, I laid her down in her crib and looked over at Killian. HE WAS STANDING UP in his crib! This, being the first time he stood, I wanted to run and get my camera. When I got back into the room he wouldn't do it again. I will get this on video if it's the last thing I do!

Saturday, 8/1:

• After eating a Klondike Bar...

Lily: "Me eat ice cream like baby! Hahahaha!"

Sunday, 8/2:

• At the annual "Cousins BBQ" for the Maier clan, Lily had a blast swimming in the pool. It was also the first time a lot of my family met Killian and Piper.

Monday, 8/3:

• Thanks Aunt Krissy for my flamingo wings!

•  Lily disappeared for a little bit. When I finally decided I better go look to see what she was doing, I stumbled upon this...

• Lily's new thing is washing dishes.

• Went to Target with Lily, Killian, and Piper. Had to get them all, especially Lily, out of the house. Every time I told Lily to stay by the stroller she would say, "You serious?" Every time I told her we weren't getting something she wanted, "Awe, serious?" Yes, Lily. I'm your mother and I'm very serious!

Wednesday, 8/5:

• I had my very first mammogram done. I've always heard it would be the most uncomfortable and/or painful experience since they literally squish your boobs in a machine. I have to say, I didn't mind it at all. It was actually kinda comfortable. I told the technician that and she said I was the first woman to ever say that to her. She said it was probably because I nursed all my kids at one point and breast feeding really hurts. Umm... okay?
• During the mammogram they put these little round stickers on your nipples. Don't quite know why and I didn't think to ask. Because I have four large scars on my left breast, she had to put stickers (a different kind) on those as well. Maybe to tell the difference between scar tissue and something that might be wrong? Who knows. I guess I could look it up, but I'm too lazy right now to care that much.
• Went to Babies R Us after the mammogram. I saw a mother pushing her infant twins so I tried to connect by saying, "Aren't twins great? I have twins also." She didn't seem to care. I asked how old. She said they were three months so I told her mine were nine and a half months. Again, she didn't seem to care. I said that I didn't think my twins were that tiny, them being over six pounds each at birth. She told me, in a kinda rude tone, "Well, they were eight weeks early." So I responded with, "Oh. Mine were six weeks early." Again, she could care less. I don't know how it is for most twin moms, but I want to talk to other moms of twins. I want to feel that connection once in a while because, let's face it, if you don't have twins, you just have no idea what it's like. I want to share experiences, compare notes, and just have the knowledge that this person I am passing in time gets me. It's not like I'm some random non-twin mom who is asking dumb twin questions. I just want to have some sort of brief, intelligent conversation about twin life. But I guess she was too good for all that. Or she was just really, really tired.
• Lily was riding her tricycle and it got stuck on the grass...

Lily: "Help me, Mommy."

Me: "Just get off your bike and get it off the grass."

Lily: "No! You help me, now!"

Me: "That's not the way you ask for help nicely, Lily. C'mon. You can do it yourself. Get off the bike and push it off of the grass."

Lily: "Mommy, be a superhero, please help me."  

Me: Well, I had to help her after that comment. I didn't NOT want to be a superhero! 

Thursday, 8/6:

• Results from the mammogram came back: ALL CLEAR!

A Look Back 7/24 - 7/30

Friday, 7/24:

• Killian fell asleep in his highchair after breakfast...

• Went to Stride Rite with the kids and my mom to get Killian and Piper their first pair of shoes. Yes, you heard right, their first pair at nine months old. Thanks, Mom. 

Saturday, 7/25:

• Killian started to crawl for the first time. Very exciting!
• Piper started clapping her hands for the first time. Also exciting!

Sunday, 7/26:

• In the morning when we were still in bed, Lily wanted Dan to get her something that was under Piper's crib. After many "get it for me" requests, Dan said, "No, not now." Lily responded with, "Awe, you serious?" 
• Went to the pool today. First time for Killian and Piper. They liked it.
• FYI: (Piper is 9 months old) That ladybug bathing suit Piper is wearing was Lily's bathing suit that she had when she was 14 months old.

• Had a, "My baby is getting so big" moment when Dan took Lily in the regular pool and she was able to stand in the shallow end.

• Lily wanted to watch Sesame Street but it was very close to bedtime...

Lily: "Put on Sesame Street, please."

Me: "Sesame Street isn't on until tomorrow."

Lily: "It's on Heplix." (Netflix)

Me: Yup. She's got me there!

Monday, 7/27:

•  Killian is definitely Lily's little mini-me - boy version!

Tuesday, 7/28:

• Lily's new thing...

Lily: "Mommy, want to play in my room?"

Me: "Umm.." taking a little too long to answer.

Lily: "Mommy. Listen. Yes or no?"

Me: Thinking - Oh boy. She's a little smart ass already! 

Wednesday, 7/29:

• Trying to sell some baby gear that we don't need anymore. It's hard to part with the things my three babies used, even if we will never need them again. I wish I could keep everything and make a little museum for when I want to feel nostalgic and for when my three babies are adults and maybe wanting to see and feel what they had/used when they were born.

Thursday, 7/30:

• Don't you hate it when you're laying in bed and you put your arm up over your head, then all of a sudden you feel something tickling/crawling on your arm so you throw your arm up and sit up; looking around to see if you can find a bug, you see nothing; then you can't lay back down because now you're freaked out by the possibility that there was a bug on you and if you lay back down it will inevitably end up crawling in your ear? Yeah... that happened.
• I finally got to do something I wasn't able to do in a few days...

Lily: "Can I smell you, Mommy? Mmm. You smell good. You took shower and now are clean."

Me: Didn't realize I smelled so bad before. Luckily the stars aligned and I was able to take a five minute shower. 

A Look Back 7/3 - 7/9

Friday, 7/3:

• Conversation at 12:45 in the morning... 

Lily: "Lily so drinky. So long since I eat."

Me: "You're thirsty?"

Lily: "Yeah. Lily drinky. Check my temturer." **Takes the forehead thermometer and scans forehead**

Lily: **Shows thermometer to me** "4-0-5, Mommy."

Me: "Oh yes. 4-0-5. I see. Big temperature."

• Lily had a dentist appointment. It was a normal cleaning but I did have a concern about a black spot on her back left molar. Yup... a cavity. Ugh! A three year old with a cavity? Are you serious? Now she has to get a filling. I wrote a post about it HERE.
• In minivan with Lily, stopped at a red light...

Lily: "Mommy! That a nice house!"

Me: "What house?"

Lily: "That. Is that a house?" **Points to a 7-Eleven**

Me: "No. That's a store."

Lily: "Oh." 

Saturday, 7/4:

• Went out to my aunt's house in Greenport. Saw the tall ships... from afar. Didn't want to spend the day online waiting to get on one. 
• Lily went on the carousel with Dan, my sister Jackie, and my dad. She insisted on sitting on a white horse. When she saw a kid get on a white horse, she started to cry saying it was her horse.

• My brother let me have a sip of his beer. I wanted to drink it all. Actually, I wanted to pour some over vanilla ice cream, crawl up on the couch hugging the bowl, breathing in the delicious aroma that is root beer, and getting drunk in the process. A mom can dream, right?

Sunday, 7/5:

• Went to a birthday party for a girl I went to school with's son who was turning four. It was a Mickey Mouse party and they had a Mickey character there. Lily was so happy because she loves Mickey Mouse. While she was standing near him, she kept calling his name and asking him if he wanted some lemonade. 

Monday, 7/6:

• Hung out with a friend I haven't seen since I was pregnant with my twins. I think she enjoyed playing at the park more than Lily!

Tuesday, 7/7:

• Killian and Piper were in a pool for the first time. A little sitting pool, but a pool non-the-less. They liked it... I think. They didn't complain, not even when Killian spit up. So gross!

Wednesday, 7/8:

• Lily has been very observant about what she thinks is dangerous. While watching Disney's Tarzan, she kept saying, "Mommy, that danaous." Yes, Lily, don't ever "surf" on a tree limb. That is definitely "danaous!" She cracks me up!!

Thursday, 7/9:

•  Killian & Piper had their first ride in a swing! Piper seemed to really enjoy it. Every time the swing stopped, she kicked her legs, wanting to swing some more. Killian, on the other hand, didn't quite know what to make of it. He was actually swinging it himself. He kept moving his body a little back and forth. I think he was a little scared.

•  I had all three in the kitchen with me while I was preparing dinner. I needed to keep an eye on them, especially Lily who likes to think she is big enough to pick up and move Killian and Piper. While they were playing with Lily's magnetic alphabet toy, this happened...

• Killian loves his feet. Actually, he loves everybody's feet. Here's a short video of him telling me that...

A Cavity?

Lily eating yogurt

Lily actually likes brushing her teeth. She doesn't eat too many sweets. She loves drinking water and only has a small juice box once a day at dinnertime. She would rather eat vegetables than anything else, so why? Why does my little three year old girl have a cavity?

My heart sank deep into my chest as the dentist confirmed what I already guessed. The very small black dot on Lily's back, left molar is in fact, a cavity. "How does a three year old get a cavity?" I asked the dentist as she was finishing up her exam. "Lack of brushing or not brushing good enough. Mom, you really need to help her when she brushes. Do you?"

I felt like I failed in some way, or at least, that's how she made me feel. Fact is, I do help Lily brush her teeth. I help her every morning and every night. Lily brushes, then I brush. I also pay close attention to that back, left molar because six months ago, the dentist mentioned they were keeping an eye on it. So have I failed as a parent? As a mother?

I made the appointment for Lily's filling and got out of the office as quickly as I could. I was a little embarrassed, truth be told. I felt like I was being judged. In my head, all I could think was, "I actually do brush Lily's teeth with her twice a day. I know some parents who have such a hard time getting their kids to brush even just once a day. Why is Lily the one who gets the cavity?" When I got home I did some research on cavities in toddlers. I found out that I wasn't the only parent questioning why this occurs.

I found out that dentists will blame the parent. They blame lack of brushing. They blame not flossing. That definitely is part of it, but there could be another reason why a three year old can get a cavity - family history. Read this article: The Surprising Truth About Cavities posted on parents.com.

So I'm not a failure. Sure, I could floss more with her, but really? She's three. I'm lucky I get a chance to actually brush her teeth since she loves brushing them all by herself like a big girl. She likes to floss, but when I say it's my turn, she has a fit. "Lily big girl! Lily do it! Not Mommy! Lily!" Yes... all exclamation points!

So we go back next month to get the cavity filled. Now I have to make the choice of having them attempt to fill it with or without nitrous oxide. Things I wish I didn't have to worry about. As a parent, I can only assume there will be so many things I will be worrying about and this is just one grain of salt from the bottle of life.

A Look Back 6/26 - 7/2

• Friday, 6/26: Killian and Piper have been paying attention to one another a lot lately. I caught this on video...

• Saturday, 6/27: Pulled off Dan's surprise Star Wars 40th Birthday Party. Killian and Piper were amazing with all the people in our house. Didn't cry once. Lily was amazing as well. She was such a good sharer of her toys. So proud of her. I posted a blog about what I did for the party HERE.

Dan NEVER comes in the side door, but of course, decides to do it on this day.

• Sunday, 6/28: Lily begged for the ice cream man. Stopped the ice cream man. Lily got a vanilla cone with rainbow sprinkles. Took two licks of it and said, "Lily done. Tummy says, 'Thank you. I full.'"
• Piper's the sleepy princess. Caught this on video...

• Monday, 6/29: Lily has a dentist appointment this week but on one of my calendars it said, "Thursday at 11:30am" and on another calendar it said, "Friday at 11:30am." So I called the dental office and they said her appointment is on Friday at 12:30pm. Uh. OK. This is an example of mommy brain.
• Killian and Piper were in their cribs alone in the bedroom and I heard laughing. I poked my head in and they were facing each other, both on their bellies, making the other laugh. First time I have heard them communicating like that. Wish I caught that on video. 
• Tuesday, 6/30: Woke up feeling OK but as the day went on I felt more and more sick. Horrible ear pain and terrible pain when I swallowed. I was also getting dizzy and had tightening in my chest. At 5:45pm I took my temperature and it was 101.2º. I figured I shouldn't wait to go to the doctor since if I was contagious with something I didn't really want to get the whole house sick. Turns out they couldn't find anything wrong. I hate that! The doctor did say that it may just be too early for the strep test to come back positive. There may just not be enough bacteria to detect strep at this point. Because of my symptoms though, he treated it as strep and now I'm on antibiotics for ten days. I just hope no one else gets sick, especially Lily, Killian, and Piper.
• Caught this on video, Killian giving Piper a pillow...

• ... and this where Lily gives raspberries to everyone and everything...

• Thursday, 7/2: Lily has been saying, "Oh my God, Oh my God." It's the funniest thing. She scraped her knee Wednesday, so today, Thursday, she said, "Oh my God. Look at my booboo. Oh my God." I tried not to laugh in front of her.
• At bedtime, Lily has the realization she, too will get a period...

Lily: "When Lily bigger girl, Lily have blood like you."

Me: "What?"

Lily: "Lily have blood like Mommy. One day. Not now. When Lily big girl like Mommy."

Me: "Yes, yes you will." **laughing so hard in my head** 

 

A Look Back 6/19 - 6/25

• Saturday, 6/20: Lily and I were looking at a picture of me when I was pregnant with Killian and Piper...

Lily- "When Lily big girl, me have Piper in my belly."

Me- "Well, you can have your own baby inside your belly."

Lily- "NO! ME HAVE PIPER IN MY BELLY!!"

Me- "OK. Calm down."

Lily- "Can Lily have Piper and killian in my belly?"

Me- "Sure, Lily. You can maybe have twins, too."

• Sunday, 6/21: Father's Day. It was a lovely day that consisted of breakfast in the morning, just the five of us. Lily gave Daddy her gift... Matching Mickey Mouse shirts. 
  

Then I took a pic of all of them...

Then I got the best father's Day gift of all... yeah, you heard that right. Dan took the kids to his parent's house and I got to spend some much needed alone time to get a few things done. After I danced and sang my heart out to a very loud mix of my favorite 90's girl bands, I cleaned a bit. It was a good time!

• Monday, 6/22: Lily is too funny...

Lily- "Piper is a brother."

Me- "No. Piper is a sister. Killian is a brother." 

Lily- "Killian is a son and Daddy is a son."

Me- "That's right! And what are you?"

Lily- "Lily a moon."

•  Also Monday, 6/22: This happened-

• Killian got his 2nd tooth this week. Now he has both bottom fronts. Piper already has four teeth. Is it wrong for me to tell Killian he's losing to his sister in the milestone department. Maybe I should stop that since, 1: it really isn't a competition. And 2: I really don't want them to feel like everything is a competition with the other.

Co-sleeping: A Love/Hate Relationship

My husband and I have, on and off, been co-sleeping with our three year old daughter for all of her life.  She was and is a great sleeper, but sometimes she just wanted or needed to be close to us while she slept. It was never an every night thing until I got pregnant with our twins. Now, she goes down in her room about eight o'clock and wakes up around midnight to come into bed with me and her daddy. I thought it might stop after the twins arrived, thinking it was because she was concerned about me or maybe feeling like she needed a little more attention, but it didn't.

I love the fact that my daughter loves me so much she wants to cuddle with me all night. That she wants to have her head on my shoulder, chest, or stomach while she sleeps. I love it, but I can't stand it at the same time. I am constantly smothered while I try to sleep. She moves around so much I inevitably end up almost falling off the bed. Don't even get me started on the covers. She likes to sleep above the covers, which would be fine, but she decides to kick and jerk her whole body out from under them the moment I am almost asleep. Then I have to quickly grab the covers that are over me so they don't get pulled off and pinned down by her legs.

I curse a bit in my head at this point. Why do I keep letting her into our bed? Why do I put up with the smothering? I got head butted in the nose the other night, so hard I thought my nose was broken. Why don't I just put my foot down and be stern about staying in her own bed? Why? Because as much as I hate it when I'm in that moment, I love it even more. She is my rainbow baby. My first born. She is almost three and a half. I'm going to blink and another three years will pass, then another. How many more years do I have where she loves me so much she wants to be that close to me? How many more years do I have where she whispers, "I love you, Mommy. I love you so much" in my ear right before we fall asleep?

One day, she will turn on me. She will say that she hates me. She will not want me to hold her anymore because she will think she is too big for that. She will no longer want to hold my hand while we fall asleep. She will no longer need me like that and it makes me sad. I hope I can keep our mother/daughter relationship close and loving. I will always tell her everyday that I love her and I hope that she will always tell me. I am hopeful, but I know how I was with my mom. I hear stories of other mothers and daughters. The majority of tweens and teens turn on their mothers. I really don't want that for me and any of my children. So I will continue to co-sleep for as long as she wants. Because it makes her feel safe. Because it makes her feel loved. Because it makes her feel comforted. Because it makes me feel needed. Because it makes me feel loved. Because it makes me still have my baby girl.

A Look Back 6/12 - 6/18

• Killian and Piper turned 8 months old on Saturday, 6/13. 
• Took some great shots of the kids...

• Visited the Nassau County Museum of Art on Sunday, 6/14, where Dan and I were married back in September of 2009. After giving Killian and Piper lunch, we packed everybody in the van, picked up lunch for Dan, myself, and Lily, and headed to the museum to have lunch in the formal gardens at the very spot we said our I do's. Lily kept asking where the "real" park was and when we were going there. We told her that not all parks have slides and swings, but being three years old, she just didn't get it.

• On Tuesday, 6/16, it rained on and off. I let Lily put her bathing suit on and we went outside to feel the rain on us. It wasn't thundering or lightning out, so why not? It's natures sprinkler! Anyway, I decided to do some weeding in the rain. I should always do the weeding in the rain. It felt nice not having the hot sun beating down on me while working outside and the added bonus of the cool raindrops made it even better.
• Wednesday, 6/17, was Lily very last day of an early educational school we've been going to since she was 8 months old. We started out doing Mommy and Me classes then I started dropping Lily off there for a two hour session each week for the past year and a half or so. It's a bittersweet ending to this stage in her life. Come September, she will start pre-K and I will no longer be able to call Lily a toddler, she will be a pre-schooler. 

                         
                                                      Ms. Rhona                                                                           Ms. Denise

• On Thursday, 6/18, Lily said the strangest thing to me. It was one of those "kids say the darndest things" moments, but I thought about it too much and now I'm feeling weird, like she knows something I don't. Here's how it went down: We were going through a picture book of 100 first words and Lily was naming everything in the book. Something I was very proud of because of her speech issues she had last year. Anyway, there was a parrot in the book and she said she wanted one. Then I said I like birds and maybe one day we could get one. Then she looked over at a toy parrot she has and said...

"Mommy, Lily already has a parrot."

"OK, Lily. Maybe we can get a real one someday."

"Mommy, when you are a little girl again, like me, you can have one." 

Hmm? A little girl again? So, does she think we get reincarnated? Maybe she thinks I'm like Benjamin Button? Or, most likely, she's three years old and has no clue what she just said! 

An Old Thought

I was reading through some old posts on a previous blog I had (click HERE to view if interested) to see if I could do some comparing between my twins and my three year old when she was their age. Then I got sad. I was reading through all the little moments I had, all the pictures, all the things that I would not remember if I hadn't written them down. Then I thought to myself that I need to do that again. I need to keep track of things that happen each week or they will be lost in time forever. So, I have decided that each Friday I will post a list of things that I feel were significant in the lives of my three kids. Stay tuned for that.

The Invisible Disability Dilemma

I know there are a lot of mothers and fathers who have medical issues and are just trying to do their best everyday not to let it stop them from doing all they can with their children. I am one of those mothers. I have many medical conditions (listed below). Some will prevent me from doing certain things and others will only limit me. Most of the time, I'm not all that affected by these things. I always have some sort of pain, but I've lived with it for so long that complaining is not an option. No one wants to here me say that my legs hurt, or my neck hurts, or that I'm cold. So I reserve the complaining for when the pain is really out of control. 

Taken from www.disabled-world.com

I guess that's the dilemma of people who have medical conditions you can't always see. The dilemma of people thinking you are just a complainer. If they can't see you're sick, then you're not. Most of my medical conditions are not visible, at least not to the average person, and when I see a doctor and go down my list of medical conditions, I always get a look from them like I'm crazy. Then they want to run all these tests to, what? Make sure I'm not lying? Uh, I know I have all of these things because I've had all different kinds of tests done. I'm not making this stuff up!

A while back, my mom gave me the courage to ask my lymphedema therapist to fill out the paperwork to receive a NYS handicap parking permit. I was working at the time, before I had kids, and the parking lot at my job was so big by the time I got into the building I was in pain and my legs swollen. So I now have my "handy" which I like to call it. It is very handy. Especially on those days I am in pain and don't or can't walk for too long. Sometimes, people can be really rude though. They think because I don't use a walker or a wheelchair and because I am usually toting around three kids, I am lying about needing a handicap parking permit. I get looks all the time and it makes me feel like I need to "act" more disabled. The sad part is that if I didn't have my "handy" and had to walk across a long parking lot, I would be walking like I was more visibly disabled. So, I just ignore and thank my mom for pushing me to be not embarrassed by asking my doctor for the referral. If there wasn't a need for me to have one, she would've said no and the state would've denied me. So f*ck the snide remarks and rude ass people!

Anyway...

Let's go down my list:

• Primary Lymphedema (Meige disease, lymphedema praecox) is not understood as a disability - people just think I have cankles or fat legs. It affects both my legs from hips to toes. The swelling and pain is very real. It took many doctors and about seventeen years to diagnose. It started showing it's ugly head when I was around thirteen but didn't think too much about it until a doctor said I had swelling and couldn't understand why at my age. Even though doctors knew I shouldn't have swelling, none of them took the time to actually figure out why. Then I started feeling pain with it and I took it upon myself to find a doctor who could possibly tell me the reason. A rheumatoid doctor actually told me it might have to do with my lymphatic system and gave me the number to Lymphedema Therapy in Woodbury, NY, the place I have been going to since 2007 for treatment. This is a hereditary disease so there is a 50% chance I have passed it down to one or more of my children. I hope not, but if they do have it, I will know what to look for so they will not face years and years of being in the dark about it like I was. It's worse not knowing what is wrong than having an answer - even if that answer is a non-curable one.

• Raynaud's Disease. My fingers and feet turn purple, red, white, and are very cold. The cold literally hurts me. I get odd looks or laughter from that, but it is NOT funny. It actually is painful. When there is a cold breeze or wind, it actually feels like sharp needles and knives are scratching against my skin. This is the reason why I almost always dress in layers and sit with my hands tucked closely to my body. Even with the warmest socks and boots on, my feet never get warm.

• Temporomandibular joint (TMJ) syndrome. My jaw dislocates and locks up. It is extremely painful. After it unlocks, the soreness can last days. I usually always have symptoms whenever I'm stressed or under pressure. With three kids, I'm surprised I don't get it more often!

• I have neck issues such as degenerative disk disease, compression fractures, bulging disks, herniated disks, cervical kyphosis, a hemangioma on my spine by my neck, and a nodule on my thyroid. For most of these things I blame a bad car accident I was in about sixteen years ago. Sometimes my neck hurts so much I can't move it. I always feel some kind of pain in my neck and upper shoulders.

• Chondromalacia Patella (or patellofemoral pain syndrome). I have this in both knees and when I sit for too long, or walk for too long, or go up and down stairs, it gets to be painful. I won't even be able to ride a bicycle w/ my kids b/c my knees lock up & pop & then I can't walk. That makes me sad :(

• Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV). I haven't had an episode in about two years, although I sometimes feel like I will have one every once in a while, especially when I get a cold. When I feel like I'm getting dizzy, I have to remain very still then move very slowly to make sure I don't get full on vertigo. If I continue to move at regular pace, I know I would get it. It's a horrible feeling. I can't do anything when I get it and it lasts for days. It lasted over a week once and I thought it would never go away! I've had MRI's done to figure out why I get it. The doctor's think it might be caused by the car accident I had about sixteen years ago, and all my neck issues. In office treatment (head maneuvers) didn't work for me so I take a medication called meclizine when I have an episode. It helps a little until the symptoms go away completely.

• Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). I have irregular menstrual cycles and get cysts in my ovaries. This was one of the causes for my two miscarriages and all my fertility issues. Luckily, with todays advancements in reproductive medicine, I had an amazing doctor who treated me so I was able to get pregnant with Lily (through Intrauterine Insemination - IUI) and our twins, Killian and Piper (through In Vitro Fertilization - IVF). Unfortunately, there is a 50% chance I passed on the PCOS gene to Lily and/or Piper. I pray they don't have similar infertility issues as I did/do. Hopefully they don't have PCOS.

• Fibromyalgia. If everything else wasn't enough on it's own, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia back in 2011. It's hard to diagnose, but with all my other medical issues and them checking tender points on my body, the doctors were confident in their findings.

So, is that enough for one person or what? It's enough for me. I know there are people who have worse things wrong, like my youngest sister who has Crohn's Disease and Behcet's Disease, PCOS, a benign cyst on her brain, and an unruptured brain aneurysm. Like me, she may not "look" sick, but when she's in and out of the hospital, there's no denying she's not making anything up!

Now, the next time you see someone who may look completely healthy, just remember, they may not be. Don't ever judge someone by the way they appear to be in public because when they are alone, they may be hurting.

Baby Food

When I decided to make my own baby food with my first child, I wanted The Baby Bullet. I heard nothing but good things about this small food blender. Initially I loved it. It was the perfect size to puree  the right amount of food for one baby. That was back in 2012. I used the Bullet for about nine months or so until it became difficult for me to bring around food that needed refrigeration. If I was going to be out and about all day, I would not necessarily have access to a fridge nor a means to heat up the food. Also, did I mention bringing a container of food and a spoon in a diaper bag takes up a lot of room and more times than not, there is no place to set it all out to feed your baby? And don't get me started on how messy it is!

So by that point I was buying the baby pureed food pouches such as Plum Organics and Earth's Best. These were/are fantastic because baby just eats directly from the pouch and the only thing that's in these purees is fruit and veggies and cereal. No added sugar or chemicals to keep you guessing what exactly you are feeding your baby.
Bonus: Your baby will most likely be feeding him/herself with ease after a few squeezing casualties!

Now, fast forward three years to 2015. I took out my Baby Bullet to use with my twins. I was all set to start making baby purees again and I am doing a great job at keeping up with it. The only problem was that after about three uses of my Baby Bullet, it broke. Not such a big deal, I have a regular blender. Luckily it works just as good, if not better since I have to make bigger batches of food to feed two babies. I still like the Baby Bullet, but mostly now because of the feeding booklet it came with. This book lets me know how to puree certain foods and also gives a feeding chart just in case I need some guidance.

Now that my twins are seven months old, I started buying the food pouches again. I will only use them for when we are not home, since I'm still not finding it hard to take the time to make my own purees, even with a three year old running me ragged. Once my twins are mobile though, that may change.


FYI: I am not getting paid to make any reviews. These are just the things I have used or do use and want to let more parents know about.

7 Spring/Summer Activities To Do With the Kiddies

Since I was "out of service" last spring and summer, due to hauling around two growing human beings inside of me, there was a lot I couldn't do with Lily, my then two year old. So here's my list of things to do this spring and summer with my now three year old and my twins.

1. The Bronx Zoo. Hell yeah! Can't wait to see the reaction of my three year old when she sees all the animals from her books and television shows in person.

2. The Mystic Aquarium. A little road trip to Connecticut for the day won't be such a bad thing. I really like this aquarium. It's a good size to see lots of sea life. If we think it'll be too much though, we can always go to the Long Island Aquarium in Riverhead. I've never been and I don't think my husband has either so it'll be a new experience for all. Plus, depending how we would go to Mystic, we would pass it anyway.

3. The beach. Sounds simple enough... just have to slather on a ton of sunscreen and pick one of many here on the island to go to.

4. Eisenhower Park. A staple when I was growing up. I'd love to buy a kite and fly it there with Lily. Also a great place for her to ride her tricycle with better scenery than what's on our block.

5. Montauk Point Lighthouse. Who doesn't like visiting a lighthouse?

6. The many carnivals that hit the island around the summer holidays. We did go to a couple last summer but I really couldn't enjoy myself fully. (In the below picture I was 17 weeks pregnant with Killian and Piper. 17 WEEKS!! Look how big I was.) Plus, this time Lily will actually be tall enough to ride the kiddy rides without having to argue about how tall she is.

7. Have a scavenger hunt. What will we collect or check off the list while walking through the park or just around the block? A yellow flower? A flat rock? An acorn? A blue car?

Click HERE to scroll through & print out a wide selection of scavenger hunts!

There are other things that I want to do, but these are the biggies. Now, can we make it happen? The weather is already warm enough to start these any time. Just gotta do it!

So, what's on your Spring/Summer Check Off List?

Mom, I Understand Now

I now understand you, Mom. I understand what it must have been like for you to raise the four of us. I understand the love, the worry, but above all, I understand the stress. I understand and don't blame you for certain things that you did or didn't do for me. I once was so angry at you for not looking at a drawing I did. I must have called out "Mom" so many times. I carried that hurt for a long time, until my own daughter called out to me to look at her drawing. One of, what seemed like, at least twenty drawings within ten minutes. It's overwhelming and stressful not to be able to even have a moment to think in peace and quiet, and I don't blame you now for not wanting to look. I know now that you most likely looked the first ten or so times I called for you. Just like I looked at my daughter, but then needed to concentrate on something else for a second or two.

I understand now the stress you must have felt when you would smash a glass to the floor. I, so many times want to break things. It must have given you a few seconds of relief knowing that it's better to smash a glass than one of our faces. It sounds odd, but when you are a mother, you can understand how some people snap. You just have to remember that snapping is definitely something you don't want to do. It's better to just quietly walk away and sometimes, if the moment calls for it, break something.

Mom, I totally get why you sometimes just walked out the front door, got into your car and drove away. The noise we must have made. The yelling and screaming. The loud talking. The ganging up on you for attention. The wants and needs of all of us all day, every day, must have given you anxiety. Anxiety that I now feel. I thought I was having a heart attack one night a few months ago after a long and stressful day with Lily and the twins. I really just needed to drive away, as you did, to catch my breath. Just a little space to breathe even if it was only for a few minutes. No kids hanging on me. None yelling, crying, or whining at the tiniest of things. Just quiet. Lovely, I used to take for granted, quiet.

I get sacrifices and the ones you made for us. I never truly understood what sacrifice meant until I had kids. I will give up everything for myself just so Lily, Killian, and Piper can have what they need and sometimes what they want but not necessarily need. Giving up the last piece of cake, that cute top you saw when rushing through the store, hobbies, alone time. Some are trivial sacrifices and others are big, but I know I will never regret giving up anything just to make my kids happy and I imagine you don't either. I just want you to know, because moms don't get told very often, I appreciate every single sacrifice you made and still make.

I know now that when you jokingly say "... because I was such a bad mother" you're not really joking. You may want reassurance that you weren't a bad mom. Or you may feel that you really were because of certain things we may say. At one time, I may have thought some of the things you did or said were not "motherly" or caring, but that was before I became a mom. Moms are people, too. We aren't infallible just because we become mothers. Sure, we almost always know what's best, but we do make mistakes. Children will not understand that and they will hold it against us until the day they have children. Then, only then, do we as children understand. So, the next time you want to say, "...because I was such a bad mother," hold your tongue. You don't deserve to feel that way. Especially around me.

Out of the four of us, Mom, I'm the only one that gets you. I look back at turning points in my relationship with you. The first time I didn't want you to touch me lovingly. All the times I said I hated you. When I was embarrassed to be seen with you. I know these are phases kids go through, but I don't want to imagine what those moments must have felt like for you. I know that one day, my own children will do the same and when that time comes, I know my heart will ache. I also know that I will be thinking of how I now understand that part of you, too.

I love you, Mom. For everything you did and do for us, for me. I know that you will always be there for me and sometimes I don't even need to say one word, you just know that I need you. Just like I know when my children need me.

Mom, I understand now. I understand because I am a mom of three. I understand because my eyes are opened to your world now.