A Look Back 8/21 - 8/27

Slow week...

Saturday, 8/22:

• Piper pulled herself up to stand for the first time!
• Went to a baby shower. It's funny how much your mindset changes after you already have kids and watch someone else open up shower gifts. It's not about how cute everything is anymore. Now it's all about practicality. I just kept saying to my mom, "She's not gonna need that." "That's useless." "Hope they gave her the gift receipt." 
• I bought this first-time mom something I know she will use. I was going to buy diapers and wipes, but then I thought about my three kiddies. I thought about the one thing that gets the most use. Something that even after 3-1/2 years of life, my daughter still uses. Something I used every single day and still do for my twins...  Circo® 4pk Flannel Receiving Blankets.
  Lily refuses to sleep with any other blanket. She usually will have all four blankets on her to sleep at night instead of her bed sheet and comforter.

Sunday, 8/23:

Monday, 8/24:

• Horrible day. Kept getting in my own way. Nothing was right, everything was a disaster. Ugh.
• Ok, so there was one good thing to come from this day. Got some great shots of Lily...

Thursday, 8/27:

• Took some pics of Lily. She wanted to be a bird fairy...

• Lily was playing with a ruler...

Lily: Holding the ruler up to my chest, "You're boobies are long. That's good."

Me: "What?"

Lily: "Mommy, check my boobies now. Lily have long boobies, too?"

Me: Trying not to laugh in her face.

A Look Back 8/7 - 8/13

Friday, 8/7:

• Went out to Greenport with my mom and the kiddies. My mom had some left over carousel tickets from July 4th. Lily and I rode the horsies three times. 

Sunday, 8/9:

• Went to Eisenhower Park. Dropped Dan and the kids off to play at the playground area and I went to do a photo shoot. I had a great model who wanted Rockabilly style photos. I got some amazing shots. They are posted on my photography facebook page if you're interested in viewing. Then spread the word. Thanks.
• Piper crawled for the first time!

Tuesday, 8/11:

• Had a consultation for a different pediatrician. Thanks to the recommendations of 4 different people we know, Lily, Killian, and Piper will now be going to Dr. Zaso in East Meadow. I liked what he had to say and he didn't judge me for having big babies. He just said that all babies grow at different rates and as long as they are within the parameters of what's healthy, everything is fine. This comment was unlike their now former pediatrician, who just told me I was overfeeding Killian and Piper and then leaving it at that with no suggestions on how to handle their weight. Oh, and when I told her what I was feeding them throughout the day, she didn't believe me. So disappointed since I've known that pediatrician since I was 12 years old. Oh well. Time for a change! 

Thursday, 8/13:

• Killian and Piper turned ten months old. They both are crawling. Killian pulls himself up to stand. Piper babbles up a storm. They both are picking up and eating finger snacks. Piper has eight teeth (four on top, four on bottom), Killian has six (four on top, two on bottom). Piper claps her hands whenever she gets excited or happy about something. And they both L-O-V-E their big sister, Lily.
• Had an eye exam. My eyes are a little worse than two years ago. Couldn't find frames I liked in that office so I told a couple of different ladies that worked there that I would shop around elsewhere for frames and bring them back to get fitted for the lenses. One woman was trying to tell me that I couldn't do that because the insurance was submitted for their office only. I explained to her that her office will do the lenses for prescription purposes, but I can and will get frames anywhere I want and my insurance will cover it. I told her I had done it in the past like that also. I think they might get commission on frames or something because another woman was trying to tell me that she will look in their basement for a style that I might like and call me when she has a few pairs to show. She said not to not go somewhere else since she probably can find something I will like. Then, a third woman was trying to convince me that every pair of frames looked good on me and I should just pick something. I told her I'm picky with what I put on my face because glasses are one of the first things people will notice about me. I have to really like what I will be wearing every single day for the next two years when my insurance says I can get new ones. Ugh. I hate people sometimes. 
• My mom and sister, Jackie, were over and we were sitting at my dining room table. Lily came over and sat on a chair...

Lily: "Mommy! One Beebo (points to my mom), two beebos (points to Jackie).

Me and my mom: Bahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! Sorry Jac. 

A Look Back 7/31 - 8/6

Friday, 7/31:

• I ran out of my Tassimo chai tea latte and ordered more the other day. Now I'm waiting for it to come and was hoping it would get here by the time I was done with breakfast...

Me: "Hey, Lily? Can you please check to see if my tea came yet?"

Lily: Looking out the front door - "Your tea not here yet."

Me: Disappointed - "It's not?"

Lily: "Have patience, Mommy." 

• Was putting Killian and Piper down for their morning nap. Put Killian in his crib first then brought Piper into the room and was changing her diaper. When I was done, I laid her down in her crib and looked over at Killian. HE WAS STANDING UP in his crib! This, being the first time he stood, I wanted to run and get my camera. When I got back into the room he wouldn't do it again. I will get this on video if it's the last thing I do!

Saturday, 8/1:

• After eating a Klondike Bar...

Lily: "Me eat ice cream like baby! Hahahaha!"

Sunday, 8/2:

• At the annual "Cousins BBQ" for the Maier clan, Lily had a blast swimming in the pool. It was also the first time a lot of my family met Killian and Piper.

Monday, 8/3:

• Thanks Aunt Krissy for my flamingo wings!

•  Lily disappeared for a little bit. When I finally decided I better go look to see what she was doing, I stumbled upon this...

• Lily's new thing is washing dishes.

• Went to Target with Lily, Killian, and Piper. Had to get them all, especially Lily, out of the house. Every time I told Lily to stay by the stroller she would say, "You serious?" Every time I told her we weren't getting something she wanted, "Awe, serious?" Yes, Lily. I'm your mother and I'm very serious!

Wednesday, 8/5:

• I had my very first mammogram done. I've always heard it would be the most uncomfortable and/or painful experience since they literally squish your boobs in a machine. I have to say, I didn't mind it at all. It was actually kinda comfortable. I told the technician that and she said I was the first woman to ever say that to her. She said it was probably because I nursed all my kids at one point and breast feeding really hurts. Umm... okay?
• During the mammogram they put these little round stickers on your nipples. Don't quite know why and I didn't think to ask. Because I have four large scars on my left breast, she had to put stickers (a different kind) on those as well. Maybe to tell the difference between scar tissue and something that might be wrong? Who knows. I guess I could look it up, but I'm too lazy right now to care that much.
• Went to Babies R Us after the mammogram. I saw a mother pushing her infant twins so I tried to connect by saying, "Aren't twins great? I have twins also." She didn't seem to care. I asked how old. She said they were three months so I told her mine were nine and a half months. Again, she didn't seem to care. I said that I didn't think my twins were that tiny, them being over six pounds each at birth. She told me, in a kinda rude tone, "Well, they were eight weeks early." So I responded with, "Oh. Mine were six weeks early." Again, she could care less. I don't know how it is for most twin moms, but I want to talk to other moms of twins. I want to feel that connection once in a while because, let's face it, if you don't have twins, you just have no idea what it's like. I want to share experiences, compare notes, and just have the knowledge that this person I am passing in time gets me. It's not like I'm some random non-twin mom who is asking dumb twin questions. I just want to have some sort of brief, intelligent conversation about twin life. But I guess she was too good for all that. Or she was just really, really tired.
• Lily was riding her tricycle and it got stuck on the grass...

Lily: "Help me, Mommy."

Me: "Just get off your bike and get it off the grass."

Lily: "No! You help me, now!"

Me: "That's not the way you ask for help nicely, Lily. C'mon. You can do it yourself. Get off the bike and push it off of the grass."

Lily: "Mommy, be a superhero, please help me."  

Me: Well, I had to help her after that comment. I didn't NOT want to be a superhero! 

Thursday, 8/6:

• Results from the mammogram came back: ALL CLEAR!

A Look Back 6/12 - 6/18

• Killian and Piper turned 8 months old on Saturday, 6/13. 
• Took some great shots of the kids...

• Visited the Nassau County Museum of Art on Sunday, 6/14, where Dan and I were married back in September of 2009. After giving Killian and Piper lunch, we packed everybody in the van, picked up lunch for Dan, myself, and Lily, and headed to the museum to have lunch in the formal gardens at the very spot we said our I do's. Lily kept asking where the "real" park was and when we were going there. We told her that not all parks have slides and swings, but being three years old, she just didn't get it.

• On Tuesday, 6/16, it rained on and off. I let Lily put her bathing suit on and we went outside to feel the rain on us. It wasn't thundering or lightning out, so why not? It's natures sprinkler! Anyway, I decided to do some weeding in the rain. I should always do the weeding in the rain. It felt nice not having the hot sun beating down on me while working outside and the added bonus of the cool raindrops made it even better.
• Wednesday, 6/17, was Lily very last day of an early educational school we've been going to since she was 8 months old. We started out doing Mommy and Me classes then I started dropping Lily off there for a two hour session each week for the past year and a half or so. It's a bittersweet ending to this stage in her life. Come September, she will start pre-K and I will no longer be able to call Lily a toddler, she will be a pre-schooler. 

                         
                                                      Ms. Rhona                                                                           Ms. Denise

• On Thursday, 6/18, Lily said the strangest thing to me. It was one of those "kids say the darndest things" moments, but I thought about it too much and now I'm feeling weird, like she knows something I don't. Here's how it went down: We were going through a picture book of 100 first words and Lily was naming everything in the book. Something I was very proud of because of her speech issues she had last year. Anyway, there was a parrot in the book and she said she wanted one. Then I said I like birds and maybe one day we could get one. Then she looked over at a toy parrot she has and said...

"Mommy, Lily already has a parrot."

"OK, Lily. Maybe we can get a real one someday."

"Mommy, when you are a little girl again, like me, you can have one." 

Hmm? A little girl again? So, does she think we get reincarnated? Maybe she thinks I'm like Benjamin Button? Or, most likely, she's three years old and has no clue what she just said! 

Mom, I Understand Now

I now understand you, Mom. I understand what it must have been like for you to raise the four of us. I understand the love, the worry, but above all, I understand the stress. I understand and don't blame you for certain things that you did or didn't do for me. I once was so angry at you for not looking at a drawing I did. I must have called out "Mom" so many times. I carried that hurt for a long time, until my own daughter called out to me to look at her drawing. One of, what seemed like, at least twenty drawings within ten minutes. It's overwhelming and stressful not to be able to even have a moment to think in peace and quiet, and I don't blame you now for not wanting to look. I know now that you most likely looked the first ten or so times I called for you. Just like I looked at my daughter, but then needed to concentrate on something else for a second or two.

I understand now the stress you must have felt when you would smash a glass to the floor. I, so many times want to break things. It must have given you a few seconds of relief knowing that it's better to smash a glass than one of our faces. It sounds odd, but when you are a mother, you can understand how some people snap. You just have to remember that snapping is definitely something you don't want to do. It's better to just quietly walk away and sometimes, if the moment calls for it, break something.

Mom, I totally get why you sometimes just walked out the front door, got into your car and drove away. The noise we must have made. The yelling and screaming. The loud talking. The ganging up on you for attention. The wants and needs of all of us all day, every day, must have given you anxiety. Anxiety that I now feel. I thought I was having a heart attack one night a few months ago after a long and stressful day with Lily and the twins. I really just needed to drive away, as you did, to catch my breath. Just a little space to breathe even if it was only for a few minutes. No kids hanging on me. None yelling, crying, or whining at the tiniest of things. Just quiet. Lovely, I used to take for granted, quiet.

I get sacrifices and the ones you made for us. I never truly understood what sacrifice meant until I had kids. I will give up everything for myself just so Lily, Killian, and Piper can have what they need and sometimes what they want but not necessarily need. Giving up the last piece of cake, that cute top you saw when rushing through the store, hobbies, alone time. Some are trivial sacrifices and others are big, but I know I will never regret giving up anything just to make my kids happy and I imagine you don't either. I just want you to know, because moms don't get told very often, I appreciate every single sacrifice you made and still make.

I know now that when you jokingly say "... because I was such a bad mother" you're not really joking. You may want reassurance that you weren't a bad mom. Or you may feel that you really were because of certain things we may say. At one time, I may have thought some of the things you did or said were not "motherly" or caring, but that was before I became a mom. Moms are people, too. We aren't infallible just because we become mothers. Sure, we almost always know what's best, but we do make mistakes. Children will not understand that and they will hold it against us until the day they have children. Then, only then, do we as children understand. So, the next time you want to say, "...because I was such a bad mother," hold your tongue. You don't deserve to feel that way. Especially around me.

Out of the four of us, Mom, I'm the only one that gets you. I look back at turning points in my relationship with you. The first time I didn't want you to touch me lovingly. All the times I said I hated you. When I was embarrassed to be seen with you. I know these are phases kids go through, but I don't want to imagine what those moments must have felt like for you. I know that one day, my own children will do the same and when that time comes, I know my heart will ache. I also know that I will be thinking of how I now understand that part of you, too.

I love you, Mom. For everything you did and do for us, for me. I know that you will always be there for me and sometimes I don't even need to say one word, you just know that I need you. Just like I know when my children need me.

Mom, I understand now. I understand because I am a mom of three. I understand because my eyes are opened to your world now.