Co-sleeping: A Love/Hate Relationship

My husband and I have, on and off, been co-sleeping with our three year old daughter for all of her life.  She was and is a great sleeper, but sometimes she just wanted or needed to be close to us while she slept. It was never an every night thing until I got pregnant with our twins. Now, she goes down in her room about eight o'clock and wakes up around midnight to come into bed with me and her daddy. I thought it might stop after the twins arrived, thinking it was because she was concerned about me or maybe feeling like she needed a little more attention, but it didn't.

I love the fact that my daughter loves me so much she wants to cuddle with me all night. That she wants to have her head on my shoulder, chest, or stomach while she sleeps. I love it, but I can't stand it at the same time. I am constantly smothered while I try to sleep. She moves around so much I inevitably end up almost falling off the bed. Don't even get me started on the covers. She likes to sleep above the covers, which would be fine, but she decides to kick and jerk her whole body out from under them the moment I am almost asleep. Then I have to quickly grab the covers that are over me so they don't get pulled off and pinned down by her legs.

I curse a bit in my head at this point. Why do I keep letting her into our bed? Why do I put up with the smothering? I got head butted in the nose the other night, so hard I thought my nose was broken. Why don't I just put my foot down and be stern about staying in her own bed? Why? Because as much as I hate it when I'm in that moment, I love it even more. She is my rainbow baby. My first born. She is almost three and a half. I'm going to blink and another three years will pass, then another. How many more years do I have where she loves me so much she wants to be that close to me? How many more years do I have where she whispers, "I love you, Mommy. I love you so much" in my ear right before we fall asleep?

One day, she will turn on me. She will say that she hates me. She will not want me to hold her anymore because she will think she is too big for that. She will no longer want to hold my hand while we fall asleep. She will no longer need me like that and it makes me sad. I hope I can keep our mother/daughter relationship close and loving. I will always tell her everyday that I love her and I hope that she will always tell me. I am hopeful, but I know how I was with my mom. I hear stories of other mothers and daughters. The majority of tweens and teens turn on their mothers. I really don't want that for me and any of my children. So I will continue to co-sleep for as long as she wants. Because it makes her feel safe. Because it makes her feel loved. Because it makes her feel comforted. Because it makes me feel needed. Because it makes me feel loved. Because it makes me still have my baby girl.