Mom, I Understand Now

I now understand you, Mom. I understand what it must have been like for you to raise the four of us. I understand the love, the worry, but above all, I understand the stress. I understand and don't blame you for certain things that you did or didn't do for me. I once was so angry at you for not looking at a drawing I did. I must have called out "Mom" so many times. I carried that hurt for a long time, until my own daughter called out to me to look at her drawing. One of, what seemed like, at least twenty drawings within ten minutes. It's overwhelming and stressful not to be able to even have a moment to think in peace and quiet, and I don't blame you now for not wanting to look. I know now that you most likely looked the first ten or so times I called for you. Just like I looked at my daughter, but then needed to concentrate on something else for a second or two.

I understand now the stress you must have felt when you would smash a glass to the floor. I, so many times want to break things. It must have given you a few seconds of relief knowing that it's better to smash a glass than one of our faces. It sounds odd, but when you are a mother, you can understand how some people snap. You just have to remember that snapping is definitely something you don't want to do. It's better to just quietly walk away and sometimes, if the moment calls for it, break something.

Mom, I totally get why you sometimes just walked out the front door, got into your car and drove away. The noise we must have made. The yelling and screaming. The loud talking. The ganging up on you for attention. The wants and needs of all of us all day, every day, must have given you anxiety. Anxiety that I now feel. I thought I was having a heart attack one night a few months ago after a long and stressful day with Lily and the twins. I really just needed to drive away, as you did, to catch my breath. Just a little space to breathe even if it was only for a few minutes. No kids hanging on me. None yelling, crying, or whining at the tiniest of things. Just quiet. Lovely, I used to take for granted, quiet.

I get sacrifices and the ones you made for us. I never truly understood what sacrifice meant until I had kids. I will give up everything for myself just so Lily, Killian, and Piper can have what they need and sometimes what they want but not necessarily need. Giving up the last piece of cake, that cute top you saw when rushing through the store, hobbies, alone time. Some are trivial sacrifices and others are big, but I know I will never regret giving up anything just to make my kids happy and I imagine you don't either. I just want you to know, because moms don't get told very often, I appreciate every single sacrifice you made and still make.

I know now that when you jokingly say "... because I was such a bad mother" you're not really joking. You may want reassurance that you weren't a bad mom. Or you may feel that you really were because of certain things we may say. At one time, I may have thought some of the things you did or said were not "motherly" or caring, but that was before I became a mom. Moms are people, too. We aren't infallible just because we become mothers. Sure, we almost always know what's best, but we do make mistakes. Children will not understand that and they will hold it against us until the day they have children. Then, only then, do we as children understand. So, the next time you want to say, "...because I was such a bad mother," hold your tongue. You don't deserve to feel that way. Especially around me.

Out of the four of us, Mom, I'm the only one that gets you. I look back at turning points in my relationship with you. The first time I didn't want you to touch me lovingly. All the times I said I hated you. When I was embarrassed to be seen with you. I know these are phases kids go through, but I don't want to imagine what those moments must have felt like for you. I know that one day, my own children will do the same and when that time comes, I know my heart will ache. I also know that I will be thinking of how I now understand that part of you, too.

I love you, Mom. For everything you did and do for us, for me. I know that you will always be there for me and sometimes I don't even need to say one word, you just know that I need you. Just like I know when my children need me.

Mom, I understand now. I understand because I am a mom of three. I understand because my eyes are opened to your world now.